Dumb Thing You’ve Ever Said at a Party
A collection of editorial work I did for Vice.
Apart from the police, or a neighbourly intrusion, the biggest threat to the quality of a house party is shit chat. Which is why we’ve put this handy guide together to ensure that you know exactly what to listen out for this weekend, as you try and down the Buckfast you’ve just stolen from someone’s fridge.[/ezcol_1quarter_end]
Introductions to Loads of People Whose Names You Will Forget Instantly
This is the part of the night where you say, “cool, alright, good to meet you,” over and over again, shaking hand after hand after hand, only to get to the end of the line and realise that the entire time you’ve been thinking about death, cactuses or grilled cheese sandwiches, and now you don’t know what anyone in this room is called.
Apart from the police, or a neighbourly intrusion, the biggest threat to the quality of a house party is shit chat. Which is why we’ve put this handy guide together to ensure that you know exactly what to listen out for this weekend, as you try and down the Buckfast you’ve just stolen from someone’s fridge.[/ezcol_1quarter_end]
Introductions to Loads of People Whose Names You Will Forget Instantly
This is the part of the night where you say, “cool, alright, good to meet you,” over and over again, shaking hand after hand after hand, only to get to the end of the line and realise that the entire time you’ve been thinking about death, cactuses or grilled cheese sandwiches, and now you don’t know what anyone in this room is called.
Politics
What’s the literal worst thing you can imagine taking about at a party? Politics, obviously. There you are, a blue bag stuffed to the brim in hand, a smile on your face and a song in your heart. And then it happens. In the queue for the toilet you accidentally stumble into the bloke in front. He initiates conversation and your heart sinks so far it dribbles down your trousers. You’ve somehow started talking about politics. Strap in, he’s got a thing or two to tell you about proportional representation!
Your Love Life
“It’s just…you know how…well…it’s sort of like…I guess when you’re that bit older… I mean…I’m so conflicted….we just seem….”
Condensed version:
your girlfriend’s really bored of you and so are we.
Music
A really important tip to remember about house parties: don’t worry about the music. At all. If it’s really good you won’t get a chance to talk absolute fucking bollocks to whoever you plonk yourself next to in a stranger’s bedroom. Conversely, terrible music is a great conversational in. Feel awkward and anxious in the company of people you don’t know? Just slag off whoever’s currently crouched behind a Macbook trying to remember how a trackpad works.
Hopes and Dreams
The issue here is less: nobody cares that you want to write a novel. The issue is more: every weekend you spend at parties talking about writing a novel, is a weekend not spent writing a novel. Weekend after weekend spent not writing a novel will ultimately lead to you not ever, actually, writing a novel. That’s fine, most people don’t write novels, most people go to parties instead! Only trouble is, if you spend all those parties telling everyone you’re going to write a novel, a novel you will never write, then you could come out of the whole thing – the whole thing in this instance being ‘your twenties’ – looking like a bit of a boring prat.
